People look at me and think everything is fine. That I'm fine being me, that I just like to sleep a lot and never like to talk for days on end. When in reality if they spent one day just one day with my thoughts and feelings they would kill thereselfs. No one has any idea how much I think about death. Its the main reason why I like to watch death, I put myself into them and think about how happy I would be at that moment. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not going to kill myself, I tried before, but could never go through with it. I just learnt a long time ago to keep these feelings to myself and to never let anyone else see them. Believe it or not it has nothing to do with my weight or looks, its inside. I'm sorry but I can't explain it any better than that. In looking for ways to help myself I have found little outlets that help some, like Wicca and art, but once again its something everyone else doesn't understand. They can't understand wicca and they are always trying to tell me what to draw and how to use my art. Like what I'm doing isn't good enough to them. They look at me and thinik I'm okay with not having a job or social life. Well I don't! I hate it! I cry almost everynight over it! Like today my cousin tried to wake me up around 10 something this morning to help with HER nieces and nephew. Like my sleep doesn't matter to her. I lied once again and said I wasn't feeling good thinking that would get her to leave me alone, nope. They thought I was still asleep when they talked about me today, well I wasn't and the way they truly see me made me angry and cry again. Nothing I try to do is enough for them, not at all. I now if you are reading this you are thinking I have depression. I thought that too, but don't you have to have had a better past to truly be depressed then just being, well me the way I have always been since I can remember. Then you are now most likely thinking its because my father has never truly been around, maybe, but ones father can't possibly be that simple to fix ones life like magic. Thinking that is just plain stupid. I'm not even sure if I will ever share this note, I just might delete it in a couple of days after I have a nice simple moment that gives me hope again until its torn down once again by reality. I never want kids because I know I will be judged by how I raiwse them and I don't want them to be like me. This is something that I feel I can pass to them. My past, well there are a lot of shitty things that happened to me that they believe I have blocked out, when in reality its in my head about every day they don't even bring them up at all, like that would make them just go away. I thought about talking to one of them about all of this but once again I know they won't understand or take the time to hear it so I keep it to myself. They don't understand why I will sometimes steal or lie about my life to strangers or others, its to feel something, anything but well my life. If you asked me what's the one work I would use to explain me I would say artistic to everyone else when in my head I would say dead, Lonely, afraid, dark, empty. I thought maybe telling you guys on here that I was bisexual would help but once again no. I havn't told my family about my sexuality because I know how they feel about it. They would be disgussed and ashamed. They wouldn't want others to know at all. They would lie and say its because others wouldn't understand but I know its because they think my life would mess up their perfect ones. There are times when I feel as if I have to adopted or given to the wrong woman but then I see the pictures of her and my grandmother and see just how much I look like them, then I know if god is turly real then he hates me. For only a god who hates me would make me have a family who is completely different from me and make me feel this way. Now don't even say to me that if I just prayed it would help because I have prayed every night for too long to still be doing it. I look at a animal and wish I could be them, just to be able to be me and not be judged by it. Everytime I try to be open up to someone they disapoint me and throw me more into myself. My family thinks it was just one of my cousins who tried something with me, when once again in realty its more like three cousins, with one of them being the same sex as me, a couple of so called friends, and tons of dreams. Everyone thought my father might have tried well no! Believe it or not but I think he's the one person who would never hurt me. People think I'm accident prone when I know its me trying to hurt myself in unflashing red light ways. I make the cuts look like cat or dog scratches, I run into walls or things, hell for one whole year I would hit myself in the head with a book or a block wall! And still no one noticed! Or cared! I sometimes think that the reason why I keep myself looking the way I do is to make sure I'm always alone, so no one will get close then disappoint me like everyone else. My best friend in highschool never talks to me anymore, she even moved out of the state! The one person I thought could help me, didn't. My new best friend is a cousin. She's close to my heart now and I'm just waiting for the day she disppoints me too. She knows about the stealing, she knows about me being bisexual but there are still things I lie to her about, and keep from her. No one but my animals knows the true me, all of me. And that's because they don't judge, they can't judge.